The pain of waiting.

Waiting for someone you love is never easy it may even be irrelevant especially when the one you’re waiting for isn’t aware that you’re waiting..

I always wished for the same thing someone to love & who’ll love me back.. but today, i think I'm gonna wish for something else.. the wisdom & maturity to realize that i wont find what i want by looking for it.. that i shouldn't expect someone else to give me what i never give to myself that I'm not half waiting to be made whole & even if that special person never comes along I’ll be just fine..

Sometimes we could be so stubborn holding on to something we want so badly.. there is nothing wrong in hoping for love but there are times that we simply have to accept that its over.. :(

The First Step...

It is true that acceptance is the first step to moving on but I have always believed that we can never forget the person we love. I may have accepted that he doesn't love me anymore but have I really asked myself if I feel the same way? I guess I really haven't gotten over my feelings for him. My love is the chain that keeps me bound to my past and for as long as that love remains silently burning in my heart; I know I will never forget the person that feeds that flame.

They say that Acceptance will put one foot forward on the road to recovery. But I believed that the only way to move on completely is to get the other foot out from the love that binds my heart to him. For me, Peace is in knowing that I am breathing the fresh air of the present without being tainted by the stale memories of the past. Every time I cry whenever I remember him adds one glowing ember to the flame in my heart. Every time I become sad when I think of our happy moments together blows more air to that burning fire. And I know that As long as there is that fiery emotion burning inside my heart, I will never be at peace with myself.

For most of us, there will always be a past that will remind us of beautiful memories that we wish would come back to life. But the difference between those who have found real happiness and those who are tirelessly searching for it lies in their ability to stop living in their past and wishing for the things that could have been. Happy people are those who know how to accept the verdict of the past and forgive themselves for being part of it.

When we have loved and failed, we have to grieve for a while and then learn to stop loving that person. Only when we are able to do that can we open our hearts anew and learn to love again without having to be burdened by the guilt and regrets of the past.

Why?

Here I am again, Feeling so alone and empty. What is it that people want from life?  

Most people want money, cars, and well paid jobs, And yea I won't lie I would like these things to,  

But all I need to get me through, Is to get some love and this is true,

The only problem with my dreams  

Is your smile that beams  

That through my heart it sends a shock  

This gives me worlds of hurt  

Which in turns make me feel like dirt I wish to hold you in my arms

And in my dreams that is a reality But then as dawn breaks and I exit my paradise,  

You turn to dust, poof out of my grasp and another day Where I look at you and have to force myself to turn away

As in my mind I weep tears of knowing you will never be mine again.

*i love you so much but the pain is too much..
it's been almost half a year now. *

Confused

Sometimes life throws things at you that makes you feel like your world may just be awseome,, then other times you feel like just sitting in a corner and bawling your eyes out...you know what i mean? Don't you wish that happiness could just be an ongoing thing?
Why isn't it there is such a thing as a broken heart or backstabbing?
Is it to make us stronger?
Or to make us realize that we are human and that we can hurt?
I don't really get it.
I hate getting hurt but it seems like every time i put myself out there i get hurt..So whats the deal? Cause if i weren't to put myself out there then that would hurt me even more...wouldn't it?
Life is so confusing.
One minute i am completely blissful and the next im breaking down feeling like its the end of the world. Wow that only sounded a little bit bipolar. 

I'm not bipolar. I'm just a very confused girl who is just trying to figure out who she is and why she cant just be happy... thats all.i just want to know..WHY...
does anyone really know or is it one of those big philosophical questions that everyone has to answer for themselves.?

Looking for answers....that are most likely not going to be found yet...

Even with so much Pain..

I love him still
How can I say I'm in love with him when sometimes all I can think was to forget everything about him…? Everything that we've had…

I was in love (as I can say) with my first crush, we were so in love with each other that no one will ever let us apart.. (even we're miles apart) we're so happy together for a month then suddenly, when he has to go back to his real world, life makes a difference... and as I can remember, we were just walking separate paths, he chooses not to give me any reason at all and make much harder when I'm still waiting for a fucking reason from him... ouch.. Really f*cking hurts... I was left with no choice but to let go… And he never cared… He just let me walk away from him… from then on I told myself I'll never fall in love with him again… I tried to be strong, even though we still see each other in "friendster" and "facebook" and I can see that he has not been hurt even just a bit, and he is acting still the same, like nothing just happen. Over for months, i was fighting, living life to d fullest without him and just when I thought I was over him... just when I thought we were ok with other paths we've been taking, I was all wrong... with all this months... I was really all wrong... those months, which we were not together was the months proving my love for him... I was den more in love with him... with so much pain he had given me... I can still say he was d only guy who I wish to be with... He is the only man that I always fell in love with… And as the song goes by I fell in love with same man for three times… first, when we're young… second when fate bring us back together and third when distance keep us apart… and as I wish... Hope he was feeling the same way... Love him still even with this so much pain....

Love Sh*ts!

Why is the word “love” so popular these days?

Why is the word “love” so overused these days?? And why is “love” itself so fake nowadays? How can you tell someone “i love you” when you dont even know what it truly means? Who knows what love is? Happy of them who can say that they know how exactly true love feels like… I know i dont… I know i never did…God knows if I ever will… but i am sadly part of the idiotic crew that says ” i love you” a million times and promise im so in love… and think in my head and make my self beleive i am in love, when truly i dont even know what exactly love should feel like… when i know in my heart this cant be love… this cant it… Love has to be something so amazing and so extraordinary and so magical that consumes you, love for someone should make you completely crazy, pick you up and turn you around, they become the apple of your eye, you want to spend all your time with them, and give them the entire world as a gift if you could… and God know what more love is… but this cant be it.. i cant accept this being love… i wonder if i ever will have the gift of having true love for someone and being truly loved back… it hurts my heart to think that
this is all i will ever have just the vague “idea” of truly loving someone and the “idea” of someone truly loving me back… i want to be submerged in love, i want to drink it, breath it, live it!!! i want to feel and know that he will cross oceans for me, and that i would cross continents for him…i want to feel that as long as im with him nothing else around me matters, i want him to feel that no harm could reach him as long as he had me, i want to wake up and thank God every second for having him with me… i want him to wake up in the morning and thank God its me lying next to him… i want him to be my very first thought when i wake up, and i want to be his very last thought before he goes to sleep. I want a kiss from him be like the air that i breathe, and i want him to not be able to live with out kissing me…i want to be able to say ” i will follow you to the end of the world” just to be with him and mean it from the deepest part of my heart…i want him to not be afraid to risk it all for our love… i want to dream of someday having his kids and pray they turn out as amazing as their father… i want him to pray to God for me to be the mother of his children… i want him to be the only shoulder i can lay my head on… i want to be the only hand he wants to hold… i want to be the healer of his pain… i want him to feel he needs me to be part of his life… i want to be able to live in his eyes... i want him to get lost in mine… crazy stupid, head over heels love is all i want.

A little too not over you..

there are times that i wanted to stop waiting...
there are times that i wanted to move on with my life without you being part of it...
there are times that i wanted to stop loving you and learn to love myself even more...
but on those kinds of times...
i just end up crying...
because no matter what i do...
no matter how hard i try...
no matter how i convinced myself that i'm no longer in love with you...
it only proves one thing...
i can't breathe, and i can't live without you...
and even with so much pain...
i am still in love with you...
:(